Is the Universe a Friendly Place?

I think the most important question facing humanity is, ‘Is the universe a friendly place?’

For if we decide that the universe is an unfriendly place, then we will use our technology, our scientific discoveries and our natural resources to achieve safety and power by creating bigger walls to keep out the unfriendliness and bigger weapons to destroy all that which is unfriendly.

But if we decide that the universe is a friendly place, then we will use our technology, our scientific discoveries and our natural resources to create tools and models for understanding that universe. Because power and safety will come through understanding its workings and its motives. ~ Albert Einstein

I, too, had to answer that question for myself.

“Is the universe a friendly place?”

Through the years, my perception of the universe has mostly reflected a patriarchal/male world-view. “You must fight and strive to get anywhere in this life.”  “It’s a kill or be killed world out there, soldier.” “Every man for himself.”  “Get out there and conquer.” Even as I write I’m amazed at how many of those sayings come to mind.  I’m obviously not alone in this view of the world.

Several years ago, I was challenged to rethink my view of the benevolence (or lack thereof) of the universe.  I was in the midst of a major life transition and questioning everything about my life. It was time to drive to California to take my certification exam for coaching. I was in my usual world-view of a universe that must be conquered… and feeling terribly inadequate.  I’m not big enough to fight an entire universe. These views just weren’t serving me.  Something had to shift.

As I walked out my door, in a blinding flash of insight, I sat on my front steps and very purposely began a search for a different perspective.  What if, instead of a demanding Sargeant, the universe was a nurturing womb that wanted only the best for me?  What if it was designed to gift me with good things instead of requiring that I grovel for it?  What if the universe was benevolent, caring, and responsive, and really, really, wanted me to be successful? What if I didn’t have to fight for position but instead could just say, ‘thank you.’

We really make up a lot of stuff in this life.  “Let’s pretend we’re astronauts.”  There are reasons we make up the things we make up, but they are still based on our perceptions.  We want to believe certain things.  As long as I was making up stuff about the nature of the universe maybe it should be something like this:  “Honey, I know you can do this.  You are smart, gifted, perceptive, and wise.  I am FOR you.”  Now there was a new idea for this old brain.  Like flipping a switch I went from a male, to a female world-view.  Heck, it was a switch from an impersonal (though responsive) universe to a personally involved God, male and female together.

I can’t say that my entire way of thinking turned around immediately because I’d been thinking the other way for a very long time.  I can’t say that I’ve remained steady and unmovable in my new perspective since.  But when I remember to challenge my own thinking I’m usually successful getting back to a world-view that is useful to me.

I spent a considerable amount of time that morning thinking about all the ways the universe was FOR me, and beyond that, thinking about the ridiculous idea that the Creator of all of it actually gave a rip about my life.   I couldn’t deny the nurturing and support that was present, the shift in my energy, the weight lifted from me.  I was no longer alone in a universe that demanded I fight for my place in it.  The universe had indeed become friendly.   As Einstein inferred, the source of my personal power and safety were coming through my new understanding the universe’s workings and its motives.

Years later, I came upon a book that also spoke to what I learned that day on my front steps.  It’s called, Science of Mind, by Ernest Holmes, first published in 1938, by Putnam and Sons.  Following is one of my favorite parts.  It’s in the section called, “Supply.”

“I am led, guided and inspired by the Living Spirit of Love and of right action.  I’m compelled to move in the right direction and to always know what to do, where and how to do it.  I am successful in all my undertakings, and I am compensated for all my efforts.  I am surrounded by Substance, which is always taking the form of supply and always manifesting Itself to me in the form of whatever my need may be at the time.  I have an understanding of my place in the Universe.  I know that it is unique.  The Divine has not incarnated in anyone else in just the same individual way that It has in me.  I am unique and forever individualized.   Therefore, I do not need to imitate anyone or to long for the good that belongs to another.  All good is now mine and is now manifest in my experience.  I do not compete with anyone, for I am and remain forever myself.”

The Miracle of Personal Development – by Jim Rohn

Personal development is personal development – whether it’s for better health, better relationships or more effective work in the world.  Jim Rohn speaks to personal development in relation to job security.   I’m looking at his comments as a metaphor for relationship success.  In the first sentence he says, “Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your….”  I supply the word partner.   Relationship success begins with personal development.  Period.  Read on.  What do you think?

_______________________________

One day my mentor Mr. Shoaff said, “Jim, if you want to be wealthy and happy, learn this lesson well: Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your job.” Since that time I’ve been working on my own personal development. And I must admit that this has been the most challenging assignment of all. This business of personal development lasts a lifetime.

You see, what you become is far more important than what you get. The important question to ask on the job is not, “What am I getting?” Instead, you should ask, “What am I becoming?” Getting and becoming are like Siamese twins: What you become directly influences what you get. Think of it this way: Most of what you have today you have attracted by becoming the person you are today.

I’ve also found that income rarely exceeds personal development. Sometimes income takes a lucky jump, but unless you learn to handle the responsibilities that come with it, it will usually shrink back to the amount you can handle. If someone hands you a million dollars, you’d better hurry up and become a millionaire. A very rich man once said, “If you took all the money in the world and divided it equally among everybody, it would soon be back in the same pockets it was before.”

It is hard to keep that which has not been obtained through personal development.

So here’s the great axiom of life:  To have more than you’ve got, become more than you are. This is where you should focus most of your attention. Otherwise, you just might have to contend with the axiom of not changing, which is:  Unless you change how you are, you’ll always have what you’ve got.

Choosing Your Theme

The Myth of Resolutions

Here we are again at year’s end.  The time when we have the opportunity to put the last year to rest and step into what is next in a powerful way.

I don’t know about you but I’ve always found New Year’s resolutions to be ineffective.  The concept is sound but the frustration I box myself into when I try to keep them is so energy draining.  Resolutions induce failure.  I’ve found it much more effective to have a theme for the coming year instead of a list of rules I must force myself to (try to) live by.   I offer how’s and why’s in the following article.

In my opinion New Year’s Day is the most important day of the year for which to be completely sober just because of the possibilities and power it holds… but don’t worry you can still participate in this exploration on January 2, if you played too hard last night.

Choosing Your Theme

Resolution comes from the root word ‘resolve,’ which is defined in a number of ways:

To come to a definite or earnest decision about
To determine to do something
To reduce or convert by breaking up or disintegration
To convert or transform by any process
To reduce by mental analysis
To settle, determine, or state formally in a vote or resolution
To deal with (a question, a matter of uncertainty, etc.) conclusively
To clear away or dispel (doubts, fears, etc.).

Some of those sound doable but most seem like they would either hurt or be counter productive to creating something useful.  “To reduce by breaking up or disintegration.”  Yikes.   Let’s find a better way.

New Year’s Day represents the dawning of a new year.  Yesterday’s hurts and disappointments, as well as the things we’ve grown out of, can be forever left behind.  Instead of determining what you will or will not DO in the coming year, I encourage you to determine who you will and will not BE. That is, to set a theme for your year ahead.  You could also call it a motto.   If you must resolve to do something, resolve to stay in touch with who you are becoming as identified by your motto.

Your theme could be centered around finances, career, family, health and/or fitness, spirituality, self-image, centeredness, relationships and more.  The topics are endless.  The idea is to capture the essence of the next step in your evolutionary process.  Your motto or theme should be completely and absolutely unique to you, and call you forth clearly and decisively.

Discovering Your Theme

One of the things that helps me discover my theme is to spend as much time as is necessary journaling about that which I’m (consciously and with purpose) leaving behind, and that which I sense I am stepping into.  It’s an intuitive process.

Thankfully Bid Farewell

In the final scene of “First Knight,” a movie with Richard Gear and Sean Connery, a faction of folks stand on the shoreline watching as the remains of what once was floats out to sea on a raft.  One of the knights then sets fire to it via flaming arrow. (I’m purposely being vague so I don’t spoil the movie if you haven’t seen it).  Those remaining on shore have a ceremony to honor it and bid it farewell, and then turn around into the new life awaiting them.

I think those steps of closure are very sound:

1. Put that which you don’t want, have outgrown, or is no longer useful to you on a figurative raft and set it to sea, or soaring to the sky in a balloon, into a bonfire, or other useful metaphor of release
2. Honor that particular item (relational dynamic/way of being) which you are setting loose by means of words and/or ceremony
3. Give tribute to the ways it has been useful in the past and/or who you are today because of it
4. Bring to remembrance all the ways in which you are genuinely thankful, and bid it farewell
5. Turn around and step into the new life that awaits you.

Once you do this, if you look closely you will begin to see an emerging pattern.  THAT is the essence of your theme.  Out with the old and in with the new.  Then it is just a matter of choosing the wording.

Choose the wording for your theme strategically.  Always word it in the positive in a way that calls you forth. Get quiet and get a sense of what is next for you in you.  Your Highest and True Self already knows. Base your theme in reality.  It is not a wish list.

Here are a few ideas, but PLEASE choose one that is uniquely your own or it will not have meaning for you.

• The year of Financial Strength
• The Vital New Me
• Calm in Every Storm
• Powerfully Persevering
• Curiosity at Every Turn
• Over the Top Playful and Joyous

Your theme becomes the window through which you will view every decision you make and every action you take. Viewing life through that window will cause you to adjust your actions and prioritize your thinking.  Living in view of ‘Financial Strength’ is a lot different than resolving to get out of debt.  A lifestyle created for ‘The Vital New Me’ is a lot more useful and empowering than “I will not eat any more brownies.”   It’s all about chosing those things (including people) which are in alignment with who you are becoming.

After you have chosen your theme spend some time getting in touch with how you will feel and what will be possible for when you are living that way.

• How will you feel about yourself?
• How might people respond to you?
• In what ways will life be different/better/more?

If you’re not sick of writing by now, you might want to spend some time journaling about what you discover.  It’s helpful to have it documented so when July rolls around and you’ve lost touch with all you’ve discovered today, you can come back and read it and be reminded.

Will Marriage Save You From Insecurity?

Just yesterday I was listening to a man who has been a high school teacher for over 20 years.  He says that he now assigns 20% less homework than he did 20 years ago, not because students are less intelligent, but because they are more occupied than ever with finding a suitable boy or girlfriend.

What is it about the drive to be partnered?  I think it is more than sexual gratification.  It seems to be a drive for completeness.  To say to someone, “you complete me” sounds quite romantic and innocent but that belief is rooted in trouble.    I once thought pre-arranged marriages were horrific.  Ugh.  I want to choose my partner, not have dear ole Dad do it!  So you can imagine my shock and dismay when I realized that, even though this entity named Jeannine chose my former spouse, it was not a clear-headed conscious choice.  The choice was driven by  the holes in my soul.  I needed completing alright, but it wasn’t the kind of completing that anyone could do for me.  I needed some insights and definite behavior changes to complete my personal growth journey to authenticity.  My soul (apparently) decided that clashing against, and maneuvering around, my former spouse was  a quick and efficient way of getting me there.  After taking the circuitous route of 30 years of marriage, kids, grandkids, several dogs, fish, rabbits, birds, a lizard and many tears later, I have indeed arrived at a functional state of authenticity.  I am whole enough to complete my evolutionary journey.

Marriage created a mostly safe container within which to evolve, change, grow.  It was certainly safer than being on the street, or partnering with anyone who happened to glance my way…. a direction I could easily have headed…. due to…. well, yes…. those dang holes in my soul again.

A friend sent me a link to an interesting article this morning that started this whole conversation in my head.  It’s titled, “Is Marriage a Remedy for Insecurity?“  An excerpt is below.  Read the rest and tell me what you think…

“We feel the need to make the other commit so we can control them, so we can be sure they will stay by our side and make us feel safe. Often, it is a need to receive the public approval associated with marriage, or to fulfill a childhood fairy-tale fantasy that we have had pushed down our throats. But I don’t wish to make it all appear so bleak. In a marriage between two people who love each other unconditionally, there is no need to tie the other person down or try to control them in any way; unconditional love gives the other the freedom of expression that we all wish for — the freedom to be ourselves.”

 

 

Leadership Styles

I was recently involved in a discussion that asked, “What makes a leader?”  I answered with my simple reply:  a leader is someone who looks behind him/her and sees people following.  Easy.  If no one is following you you’re not a leader.

A better question perhaps is, “What makes a good leader?”  Hmmm.  Good as in the size of the crowd that follows? Good as in the weirdness of the things the crowd will do at the prompting of the leader?  Good as in the impact on the followers?  There are plenty of mass leaders who lead their followers right off a cliff, or into a compound, or sexual bondage.  So then that begs the question, “What makes an ethical leader?”

But by far the best question when considering leadership is, “What makes a leader effective?”  I believe it is awareness.   A conscious leader is aware that he has followers and that he has a definite impact on them. She knows that people are watching, learning, imitating, duplicating, and promoting.  An unconscious leader is aware of none of those things.  The unconscious leader is like a bull in a China shop.

There is a responsibility that comes with being a leader.  Even if he has not chosen it, or she refuses to accept it, she is a leader nonetheless.  If s/he is one, s/he might as well learn to do it well.  Leadership comes in all shapes, sizes and formats.  Leadership principles can be found everywhere.  I recently attended the Genghis Kahn exhibit at the Denver Museum of Science and History.   That man was a leader.  I also recall seeing books on the leadership strategies of Attila the Hun, and leadership principles of Jesus Christ.  Most recently I saw a TED video clip that referenced the leadership styles of orchestra conductors.  I was aware of conductor’s physical expressions:  the waving of arms and tossing of hair and pointing to different sections.  But did not know that facial expressions, body language, and energy essence are utilized just as deliberately.  Utterly fascinating.

Check it out – Lead Like the Great Conductors.

Wowsers.  No sooner did  publish this post than someone sent me this very cool link of leadership definitions:

Craft in America

I miss being involved in the world of creation.  I’ve tried my hand at pen and ink drawing,  pastels, making dried flower arrangements, photography.  I lived in the mountains in harmony with the land, hauling water, chopping wood, harvesting herbs.  When a day’s work was done simple instruments came off the wall or out of a closet and brought to life with clapping, dancing and singing.

I just watched the PBS show on Craft in America.  It brought me back to simpler days, fulfilling days.  There is such a need for art in our culture.  Not just for art’s sake – but for  mastery, apprenticeship, diligence, learning something from the inside out, doing something solely for the passion of it and not monetary gain, for having an art or skill worth passing on to future generations so it is not lost.   Most of us are out of touch with our roots, with the things that bring life and light to our souls.  There were once so many avenues for the passions of young people.  We were once a nation of dreamers.  Isn’t that what America once was?  “If you can dream it, you can conceive it.”  America was supposed to be the land where, with diligent work, those dreams could come true.  I think that the principles for creating art are the very same principles required to build dreams – perhaps because so much of art happens at the dreaming level.  How compelling it could be to youth to invite them into those dreams and instill a hope that they, too, could one day create something useful and self-supporting for themselves.

One artist said, “Making things by hand is central to being human.”   Could it be that making things by hand is also central to making us human?

The War is Over

I wasn’t mad.  I was sad.  I wasn’t betrayed.  It was a conscious choice.  I wasn’t so ‘done’ or hateful that I threw away everything he’d ever given me.  Instead I tearfully boxed them up and put them away.  It was my idea, and it was his idea.  Neither of us liked it but we didn’t know what to do about it.  We’d bumped up against something in our relationship that neither of us could get past.  “I want…”  “Well I want…”.  Opposing wants.  He wanted more time together.  I wanted less.  He wanted togetherness.  I wanted freedom.  Our relationship was nearly perfect otherwise.  One catch.  The unsolvable catch.  We had no choice but to say goodbye.   To wave tearfully.  “I wish we could figure it out.”  There was no middle ground on this one.  No matter what we tried he didn’t have as much togetherness as he wanted, and I didn’t have as much freedom as I needed.  After losing myself in a 30+ year marriage and dedication to a family of 6 I wasn’t about to lose myself again.  I was, and was determined to remain, a separate entity…. I would not lose myself again…. not even for love.

Six months later life happened to bring us together on a project.  He’d changed.  I noticed.  Tears will do that.  The neediness was gone.  Where did it go?  Swallowed up by more resourceful ways of being???  It was very endearing.   After some deliberations we realized that it was never our love for each other that was in question.  After some cautious and calculated testing we decided to try it again.   Whatever internals shifts that happened inside him allowed him to be less demanding.  These were true character changes deep inside, not muscling through by controlled thinking.  He’d simply become happy to be by himself.  I found that I didn’t need to run, to desperately seek freedom, when he was less demanding.  I could gratefully move towards him instead.  The war was over.

The pictures and cards and notes came out of the box and back onto the shelf.  They’ve been added to over time… notes of love, yearning and tenderness, but this time not from a place of neediness (“I want”), but from a place of giving (“I love”).  Love is daily at my door.  It is not barging in.  It is not making demands.  I open the door wide to let it in…. or sometimes not if the mood isn’t right.  It’s all good.  It’s real. It’s life.  And more importantly, on the rare occasion that I choose not to open the door, he realizes it isn’t about him.  And that protects his heart.  I believe that he too, would say that our love is richer and more satisfying than it has ever been now that it is both offered and received freely.  No demands.  Just a gift to be enjoyed.  And we do.

The Starving Artist

I’m sitting in a burned out forest, the now famous Hayman fire in Colorado, surrounded by tall flowering grasses waving in the breeze, and the reds, blues, pinks and brilliant yellows of the sea of wildflowers that are reclaiming the land.

Ahhhhh.  My starving artist is fed for the moment.  Not the outward “can’t sell my art” starving artist.  This is my inner artist that craves new, exciting, and different.  If I spend too much time in the mundane, routine, sameness of daily life, my inner artist gets annoyed and begins to play an obnoxious beat on the bars of its cage demanding food – food in the forms of light and color and words and the unique aspects of life.

There comes a point when it just can’t tolerate the familiarity of the day-to-day any longer.  The same road to the store.  The same road to the job.  The same road to a friend’s house.  My car can practically drive there by itself.  Some times (my artist and) I just don’t want to know what’s around the bend.  I want to drive, slowly if possible, and be surprised at every turn.  “What’s next?”

I was delighted this morning to come around a turn on some back road somewhere north of Deckers, to see a herd of buffalo grazing, their coats glowing, backlit by the early morning sun; little ones suckling.  (Well little for a buffalo.)  The big boys were chewing the grass, watching. I just stood in their presence for a while taking it all in.  A teenager came to visit but got skittish when I stepped one step too many.

I didn’t intend to come to this burned area.  I just turned this way and that way according to what delighted me in the moment (Choosing Anew, a Path with a Heart, which is my theme for 2009) and here I am.  Sitting amongst wildflowers, bees and hummingbirds below twisted knotted trees.  Both death and life are very present here.

My mind is free to wander where it will without parameters, and in that creativity is born.  The starving artist is fed for the moment.

The Arc of a Day

I love mornings.  It’s a time when I get the world to myself.  No traffic.  No lines.  No businesses open for that matter.  I can drive as slow as I want, or even on the wrong side of the road if I want.  The homeless are just waking, shaking off the chill of the night, greeting each other groggily.  Other inquisitive thinkers, those the world would call oddballs, like me,  are also about.  A few hours later the athletes and dog walkers begin to appear – the runners, joggers, bikers, heading out in the cool of the morning.  Mid-day brings the onslaught of everyone else.  It’s some kind of culmination point.  Those who work late are up.  Those who rise early are up.  The read the paper and drink coffee people are out.  The market place is in full buzz.

I’m in Manitou Springs writing next to a creek that has a playground.  The ladies with white tennies and pink sweaters.  The men with dress shoes and argyle socks pulled over the calf.  Cameras flashing.  Today I had a special treat.  I had the usual quietness in the low-angled golden sun of morning.  A cup of tea, wandering, looking at rocks.  (Found some purple ones in a layer of volcanic ash.)  Then the park filled with tourists and their kids.  But that wasn’t the treat.  The sky filled with thick gray rain-laden clouds and dumped buckets of rain on all of us.  The people scattered like ants.  Bumper to bumper cars crammed with people made there way… to probably a hotel room somewhere.

The treat was that  the rains have passed; the sun is out and the quietness has returned.  I have my morning again, for the second time today,  right smack in the middle of the day.  A few kids, a few pets, a few oddballs have returned.  The creek is louder because of the rain.  The cedar chips in the playground are more aromatic.  The picnic table I’m at is quite a lot cleaner after I wiped off the rain.  I’ve been given the gift of two mornings today.  Hooray for mornings.

Beginnings

I’ve always been intrigued with beginnings – that is roots.  Where does it start?  ‘It’ meaning a behavior, a word, a saying, a myth.  Community history is of particular interest.  The roots, be it religious based, gold digger based, or the long, hard hours of an agricultural community seem to carry through to its modern day practices no matter how long ago the city was formed.

I’ve been involved in the Rebuilding divorce recovery program for quite some time now.  I was privileged to train with Nina Hart-Fisher, the founder’s widow.  And even closer to “roots” I recently had the privilege of spending an afternoon with Bruce Fisher’s oldest son, Todd, who in the program’s beginnings helped his father compile the stats or the divorce adjustment scale and also volunteered a number of times in the live classes.

I was enthralled as I listened to some of the life events happening for Bruce Fisher as he was writing the various chapters of the Rebuilding After Your Relationship Ends, book that we use as the text in the live seminar.

Even more interesting are the varied experiences that made up the man, Bruce Fisher, throughout his life.  Starting out as a poor (if looked at in strictly financial terms) farmer, to a communications specialist in the Marines, to a probation office and educator, to singing in a barber shop quartet and pitching in the minor leagues.

All of those interests just underline the fact that divorce is common to men and woman of all walks of life.  No one is exempt to its far reaching effects. Bruce Fisher was also married 3 times.  Perhaps to develop the program that still exists in the world and impacts lives every day, his life had to encompass all these things he experienced. It likely wouldn’t be the program that it is today without them.

The man died 11 years ago, yet his legacy lives on.  Nearly every day I talk to someone who has been impacted by his work.  Granted I live close to the root.  Rebuilding started in Boulder.  Although Todd no longer lives in the Boulder area he also often talks to folks who tell him that his father’s work changed their life.

What a great legacy to live.