Desert Sabbatical 2011

It’s Saturday.  I think.  Not at all sure of the date.
I’ve been wandering the deserts and canyons of eastern and southern Utah for 8 days.  I’ve visited canyons in the San Rafael Reef, Temple Mountain, Goblin Valley, Glen Canyon, the tip of Lake Powell, Natural Bridges, CanyonLands, and maybe on to Arches.  I’m slowly, somewhat begrudgingly heading home.  On my way I find myself in Moab.  It’s changed a lot since I was last here.  6 stop lights now.  I quit coming here years ago.  Too crowded for me.

I stopped at City Market.  I love it that I’ve been out and away long enough to feel complete and utter culture shock.  I’ve traveled dry canyons, seen primitive ruins of those who have traveled here before… living such utterly simple lives.  Lives of survival.  I took all the food and all the water I would need with me when I left home.  Basics.  Beans and rice.  Homemade oat cereal.  Fruit.  I’ve lacked for nothing.  Last night near CanyonLands National Park it was cold enough to freeze the water inside my car.  I bedded down in an ice storm.  I could see it coming and planned an escape route if I’d needed it.  Sometimes those dirt roads turn to glue in a rain storm.  My high-powered down sleeping bag and a couple of blankets kept me warm if I kept my head under under wrap.

Back to City Market.  I’m struck by all of the things we have created for ourselves for our day to day existence.  Strawberries?  What a totally glutinous item after spending 8 days in the dry sands.  Cigarettes?  Wow.  Everything looks so foreign to me.  I regret that I must head back into the chaos.  Back into too many choices.  I have a sneaking suspicion we need those many varied things to survive the insanity of the day to day…. when what  really serves us most is less… not more.  I admit that I am glad to come away with a salad, from a real salad bar no less.  Yes, Moab has changed.  I will have another day of solitude and then life will get progressively busier and more chaotic as I travel towards Denver.  I guess I have to be ready but I’m sure not yet.

I’m heading to the north and west of Moab where my sabbatical journeys began 11 years ago.  It’s always good to revisit.  It helps me remember how far I’ve come from those days when I had no core self.  I knew I was desperately searching for something.  I didn’t have a clue that it was me.  God met me there on many occasions.  I like to re-member that experience.  Back then I was running away.   When I look back now I believe I was mostly running away from the voices in my head.  Back then I thought I was running away from my former spouse, my life that wasn’t my own as Mom, from the terror that lived in me.  A new me was breaking through the concrete.  After several years my journeys became about running toward that new me.  I was ever in the process of discovery.  Now I’m just happy to wander… to turn right or to turn left… to take whatever path looks most interesting.  To have large chunks of time where there isn’t a single thought in my head.  What a luxury. I’m happiest when I can just pause.  I can’t know a place by going through it at 65, or even 50.  I want to be there for a few days, in one spot, understanding its sounds, its patterns, its secrets.  To hike into its heart.  What a gift that the earth allows such visitation.

I’ve found myself laughing right out loud many times the last couple of days.  I guess living in your car for a week will do that…. like when you wake to find the water laying next to you is frozen and the whole car is covered with a layer of ice.  There are so many comical moments in life.  I notice them when I go slow enough…both inside and outside.  Like the really large lady coming out of ‘Big John’s House of Ribs” laden with tubs of food.  Or the metal sculpted dinosaurs outside the Sinclair station that looked remarkably like they were humping.  Or the street signs that go nowhere.  Huh?

All in all I’m enjoying the simplicity.  There’s something very healing about living contentedly with basic human needs, needing nothing more.  Although a shower might be nice

Curiosity

He sidled up alongside me on his bicycle… one long leg dragging to the ground leaving a line in the gray gravel of the path to reveal the pink dirt below.  I guess that’s why he wore those sandals with the closed toe.

“You looked friendly.  Just a crack of a smile when I went by.  I thought maybe there was an opening,” says Abraham.

Ok.  I’m game.  Who is this guy and why is he so dang friendly.

“I just returned from India and I’m not used to people being so unfriendly.”

Ah, India.  That explains a lot.  But it didn’t really prepare me for the real reason for his friendliness.

“You married?”

“Yes.  About 8 weeks now.”

“Is it a traditional marriage?”

Ok.  What does that mean?  “Gees.  I hope not.” Whatever it means I don’t like the sound of it.  I think I had one my last go-round of 30 years.  Not thinking I want one of those again.

“I’m just asking because I’m in an open marriage.  My wife and I see other people.”

Got it.  He’s trying to pick me up… with a twist.  I haven’t attracted that kind of attention in quite some time.  I pretty much come across as unavailable.  But I guess to ole Abraham it wouldn’t matter if I was unavailable or not.

Here’s the curious part.  I had just finished writing an article about curiosity for my newsletter.  About how curiosity is a complete not knowing.  About looking at things in new ways.  About not having right answers or set ideas of how things should be, but is instead about being open to new possibilities.

Don’t you love it when life gives you homework?  Here was my chance to be absolutely curious about why Abraham did what he did and chose this way of relating.  He told me about his wife’s two boyfriends and how at first she didn’t like the idea but does now.  I told him I was more into going deep with one man than just having more surface sexual relationships with several.

At first we had a frank and honest exchange of ideas but about the second time around the lake I started feeling manipulated and coerced.  He was doing his best to win me over to his way of thinking.  It felt like I was being conquered with words.  I once had a male friend who told me that guys have 3 needs:  food, sex and conquering.  Abraham was out to fill two of those.

“I’m feeling a need for my quiet time now, Abraham.”  He reluctantly peddled away and I recapped the conversation shaking my head.  That’s one of the weirdest things that’s happened to me in quite some time.  Life is indeed curious.

Friendship – The root and ground of relationship wisdom

As a child I remember how the words, “I’m not going to be your friend anymore!” devastated my little heart. The world may as well have ended. Mine certainly had. Perhaps it is just such events that initiated a lifelong pursuit to understand friendship. I didn’t know for sure what friendship was, only that it hurt really, really bad when it was gone.

Perhaps the reason friendship is so vitally important to us as children is so that we will put in the effort to figure it out by adulthood. Friendship principles are the root and ground of relationship wisdom, as simple as the age-old “Do unto others…” creed. As it applies to marriage, it is the glue that holds a relationship together when schedule and finances and illness and everything else would pull it apart at the seams.

What is it about friendship that gives it this kind of power? Think of a special friendship in your own life. I imagine that in that relationship there are at least some of the following aspects:

• Mutual respect
• Accepting shortcomings
• Honesty and openness
• Gentleness
• Shared time
• Accepting the other’s choices and tastes
• Being available to each other in little and big ways
• Supporting the other’s highest and best self.

In essence good friendship is giving, sometimes sacrificially, to the support and benefit of the other, and expecting little in return…until you’re the one on the receiving end of the same support.

A friendship base is important because it is the lens through which you view the events of your relationship. Viewed through the lens of friendship the spousal confession of, “I am so sorry, I completely forgot to pick up the eggs on my way home from work” is seen as a mere oversight, rather than an affront, which it might be if friendship wasn’t present.

A strong friendship base:

• Is rooted in love and admiration for the other
• Will have you feel optimistic about your relationship and your partner during conflict
• Gives the other the benefit of the doubt
• Keeps you linked together even during long hours apart
• Helps you see each other as innocent, instead of guilty
• Keeps conflicts current rather than letting resentments build
• Makes it easier to glean and incorporate the best of each other’s worlds into the marriage
• Brings curiosity and playfulness to the relationship.

There are many books on the shelves about developing strong friendships. I encourage you to find some you like and practice on your marriage. Even if you didn’t start out with a strong friendship base, it is not too late to begin. It’s the single best thing you can do for your relationship.

Authentic Living

It’s a blustery winter morning.  I think it’s above freezing, but just barely. The  winter months we’ve had so far are beginning to take their toll on this spirit that loves to be out in open spaces. I’ve chosen to do my writing on my deck on this wintry morning.  In my insulated ski pants, hat, burly coat and yak slippers brought to me by a friend after his trip to climb Kilimanjaro, I view the snow covered Flatirons for which Boulder is famous. The moon, the same color as the clouds, hovers above. I’ve never tried typing with gloves on before. I’ve chosen the kind without fingertips. A steaming cup of Pixie Mate adds to the effort.

A friend observed recently that if you read enough self-help books pretty soon they all begin to sound alike. I agree. That is why I can say so assuredly that relationship success (or even life success for that matter) doesn’t have to be a mystery. There are tried and true principles for navigating life, and for creating great relationships, in a dynamic way. My observation is that the bottom line of all of it is that living from the authentic self in the present moment takes care of darn near all of life’s dilemmas. Today we’ll talk about authenticity and how that affects relationship.

Living from the authentic self:

• Is living from your power base. Living from love, trust, assuredness, instead of fear.
• Keeps you centered. You will not allow yourself to be swayed, manipulated or controlled by other people or your own negative thinking.
• Keeps you at choice. You have a wide variety of ways to respond to your circumstances and other people instead of just react to them.
• Allows you to see possibilities you might not otherwise see.
• Creates clear, healthy boundaries. You are responsible for what is in your yard and no one else’s.
• Allows others to be at choice. Their reactions to your authenticity are in them and for them.
• Creates trust in the process of life. Things just work out over time when we live authentically.
• Challenges others to live authentically too.

Relating from the authentic self, instead of a version of, or a projected image of yourself is imperative for good relationships with some longevity to them. Being what you think someone else wants you to be is the get rich quick scheme of relationship. It may bring satisfaction in the short term but is usually of poor quality and temporal. Authenticity is solid.

People ask, “Where do I start?” The answer is always to start with you first. In relationship, dating is a time to practice being yourself. If you’re in a relationship, showing up in an authentic way will absolutely change the dynamic. It just happens. Become the kind of person you want to attract (cuz you will). Change your relationship, by changing you first.

And what about the present moment?

This moment is the only one we have. We can allow the past to inform the choices we make in this moment. We can let the future give direction to the choices we make in this moment. But it is right now where the choices are made – each moment anew. What you choose in this moment will affect the next moment. Oh, wow. Here’s another moment and I get to choose my reaction to this one too. And this one. And this one. You will find that each moment taken by itself is pretty doable. There is freedom, safety and expansiveness in any given moment.

The BEing Part and the DOing Part

The being part entails discovery. Who am I? What is my life about? You have a core self. Consider it your bullseye. Your gifts and talents live there. Your values live there. It is your power base. You may have danced around it your whole life in your attempts to navigate the expectations of life and other people, but it is there.

How do you find your authentic self?

Notice your reactions to what life brings. If fear, doubt, and worry, are present you can be 99% sure you’re not living from your authentic self. I’ve often referred to it as being in the river. I’ve had my share of carrying my canoe across the rocks and through the weeds trying to find that #$%^& river. I’m well aware of when I’m in fear and when I’m in authenticity. Notice your emotional responses to people and other situations. It gets easier with practice.

Enlist your friends. Tell them what you are wanting to do and give them permission to call you on your inauthentic behaviors. Those who know you well will be able to spot them readily.

Get coaching. Much of what coaching does is help people find and live from their authentic selves. You can stumble upon your authentic self on your own. It will phase in and out and you will eventually grasp when it is present and when it isn’t. That process can take a number of years. With coaching you can cut years down to months and be supported/guided as you begin to live it out, too.

How do you live your authentic self?

Just do it, right? It can be a little more complicated than that. Like changing any habit, it requires new patterns, new vocabulary and sometimes new friends. Not everyone will be thrilled with an authentic you who is boundaried, tells the truth, and has a sense of purpose.

• Have friends who celebrate and encourage your authenticity. When you begin to live authentically you will attract them into your life. Just keep your eyes open and be willing to be separate from relationships that would keep you small. If others have a hard time with you being authentic it is about them, not about you!
• Grab your mind. Think about what you are thinking about. If you feel uneasy/reactionary, check inside. Ask yourself, “What is my authentic self’s response to this?” Remember, authenticity is about choice!
• Spend time as your authentic self. Remember a time when you felt fully alive and powerful yet at peace. That is your authentic self. Meditation, prayer, and activities such as being in nature, yoga or a mindful hobby such as creating art are all places to BE authentic. The more you’re there, the easier you will be able to recall it, and live from it, when life gets tense.
• Be patient with yourself. It is a discovery process after all. I recently read a quote attributed to a young Michelangelo that said, “There is no failure while learning.”
• If you bump up against the same wall over and over again in your attempts to live authentically get coaching, or even therapy, to help you move past the blocks.

Living from your authentic self is the hardest and most rewarding thing you will ever do for yourself. It is worth every effort. Everything goes better. I want to challenge you to raise the bar for yourself. Just this week notice how many times you are making choices/viewing life from your authentic self. You don’t need to do anything else, just notice and count them.

The You I Never Knew

He died this morning.  My neighbor.  A kind, friendly, and helpful, elderly man who, although 8 years in this country from Russia, still spoke little English. His most polished phrase was, “Me, hep you?” which he would ask when I was struggling to get an armload of things into the elevator, or out to my car.  I often heard Russian television blaring from behind his door and once found a newspaper in his native language in the trash down by the mailboxes.  I didn’t understand the words, but pictures are the same in every language.  I still have it.

I sit here this morning listening through my apartment door to the sobs of his very American  son who found him, mixed with the crackle of the police radios of heavy footed officers doing their thing – getting the facts, offering assistance.  The young man is distraught, in complete shock, unable to answer the simplest questions.  My heart goes out to him.  He sits at the exit door of the building tugging at his hair, trying to get some air – and talking on the phone.  It strikes me how the first thing we humans do in crisis is call someone.  Reach out.  Connect.  “This is too big for me.  I need you.”

I imagine his son saw him over the last few days.  He often came to visit.  I wonder if he got to tell his father that one last time, that he loved him.  To tell him that he was glad he was here, in the States with him.  To let him know how much he appreciated him.  It occurs to me again how vital it is to keep important relationships current.  To say the things that need to be said.  Never, ever, do we know when things will change and the opportunity to share those vital and meaningful communications will be snatched away.

I had intended to, one day, better get to know this man.  Some day when I had more time I would knock on his door and see if he wanted to have a cup of tea and share his story with me.  To learn what made him laugh and how he came to be here.  What it was like for him in the Old Country.  I think older immigrants are a wealth of story, courage, and inspiration.  But opportunities pass and I missed it.  I’ve been here 3 years and never took the time to know this interesting human who lived one door away from me.

The last time I saw him he was heading out in the later afternoon with fishing pole in hand.  “I go fishing.”  He came back empty handed, but with a grin and a fish story of the little ones he threw back.

Rest well kind soul.  I will miss the you I never knew.

Is the Universe a Friendly Place?

I think the most important question facing humanity is, ‘Is the universe a friendly place?’

For if we decide that the universe is an unfriendly place, then we will use our technology, our scientific discoveries and our natural resources to achieve safety and power by creating bigger walls to keep out the unfriendliness and bigger weapons to destroy all that which is unfriendly.

But if we decide that the universe is a friendly place, then we will use our technology, our scientific discoveries and our natural resources to create tools and models for understanding that universe. Because power and safety will come through understanding its workings and its motives. ~ Albert Einstein

I, too, had to answer that question for myself.

“Is the universe a friendly place?”

Through the years, my perception of the universe has mostly reflected a patriarchal/male world-view. “You must fight and strive to get anywhere in this life.”  “It’s a kill or be killed world out there, soldier.” “Every man for himself.”  “Get out there and conquer.” Even as I write I’m amazed at how many of those sayings come to mind.  I’m obviously not alone in this view of the world.

Several years ago, I was challenged to rethink my view of the benevolence (or lack thereof) of the universe.  I was in the midst of a major life transition and questioning everything about my life. It was time to drive to California to take my certification exam for coaching. I was in my usual world-view of a universe that must be conquered… and feeling terribly inadequate.  I’m not big enough to fight an entire universe. These views just weren’t serving me.  Something had to shift.

As I walked out my door, in a blinding flash of insight, I sat on my front steps and very purposely began a search for a different perspective.  What if, instead of a demanding Sargeant, the universe was a nurturing womb that wanted only the best for me?  What if it was designed to gift me with good things instead of requiring that I grovel for it?  What if the universe was benevolent, caring, and responsive, and really, really, wanted me to be successful? What if I didn’t have to fight for position but instead could just say, ‘thank you.’

We really make up a lot of stuff in this life.  “Let’s pretend we’re astronauts.”  There are reasons we make up the things we make up, but they are still based on our perceptions.  We want to believe certain things.  As long as I was making up stuff about the nature of the universe maybe it should be something like this:  “Honey, I know you can do this.  You are smart, gifted, perceptive, and wise.  I am FOR you.”  Now there was a new idea for this old brain.  Like flipping a switch I went from a male, to a female world-view.  Heck, it was a switch from an impersonal (though responsive) universe to a personally involved God, male and female together.

I can’t say that my entire way of thinking turned around immediately because I’d been thinking the other way for a very long time.  I can’t say that I’ve remained steady and unmovable in my new perspective since.  But when I remember to challenge my own thinking I’m usually successful getting back to a world-view that is useful to me.

I spent a considerable amount of time that morning thinking about all the ways the universe was FOR me, and beyond that, thinking about the ridiculous idea that the Creator of all of it actually gave a rip about my life.   I couldn’t deny the nurturing and support that was present, the shift in my energy, the weight lifted from me.  I was no longer alone in a universe that demanded I fight for my place in it.  The universe had indeed become friendly.   As Einstein inferred, the source of my personal power and safety were coming through my new understanding the universe’s workings and its motives.

Years later, I came upon a book that also spoke to what I learned that day on my front steps.  It’s called, Science of Mind, by Ernest Holmes, first published in 1938, by Putnam and Sons.  Following is one of my favorite parts.  It’s in the section called, “Supply.”

“I am led, guided and inspired by the Living Spirit of Love and of right action.  I’m compelled to move in the right direction and to always know what to do, where and how to do it.  I am successful in all my undertakings, and I am compensated for all my efforts.  I am surrounded by Substance, which is always taking the form of supply and always manifesting Itself to me in the form of whatever my need may be at the time.  I have an understanding of my place in the Universe.  I know that it is unique.  The Divine has not incarnated in anyone else in just the same individual way that It has in me.  I am unique and forever individualized.   Therefore, I do not need to imitate anyone or to long for the good that belongs to another.  All good is now mine and is now manifest in my experience.  I do not compete with anyone, for I am and remain forever myself.”

The Miracle of Personal Development – by Jim Rohn

Personal development is personal development – whether it’s for better health, better relationships or more effective work in the world.  Jim Rohn speaks to personal development in relation to job security.   I’m looking at his comments as a metaphor for relationship success.  In the first sentence he says, “Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your….”  I supply the word partner.   Relationship success begins with personal development.  Period.  Read on.  What do you think?

_______________________________

One day my mentor Mr. Shoaff said, “Jim, if you want to be wealthy and happy, learn this lesson well: Learn to work harder on yourself than you do on your job.” Since that time I’ve been working on my own personal development. And I must admit that this has been the most challenging assignment of all. This business of personal development lasts a lifetime.

You see, what you become is far more important than what you get. The important question to ask on the job is not, “What am I getting?” Instead, you should ask, “What am I becoming?” Getting and becoming are like Siamese twins: What you become directly influences what you get. Think of it this way: Most of what you have today you have attracted by becoming the person you are today.

I’ve also found that income rarely exceeds personal development. Sometimes income takes a lucky jump, but unless you learn to handle the responsibilities that come with it, it will usually shrink back to the amount you can handle. If someone hands you a million dollars, you’d better hurry up and become a millionaire. A very rich man once said, “If you took all the money in the world and divided it equally among everybody, it would soon be back in the same pockets it was before.”

It is hard to keep that which has not been obtained through personal development.

So here’s the great axiom of life:  To have more than you’ve got, become more than you are. This is where you should focus most of your attention. Otherwise, you just might have to contend with the axiom of not changing, which is:  Unless you change how you are, you’ll always have what you’ve got.

Choosing Your Theme

The Myth of Resolutions

Here we are again at year’s end.  The time when we have the opportunity to put the last year to rest and step into what is next in a powerful way.

I don’t know about you but I’ve always found New Year’s resolutions to be ineffective.  The concept is sound but the frustration I box myself into when I try to keep them is so energy draining.  Resolutions induce failure.  I’ve found it much more effective to have a theme for the coming year instead of a list of rules I must force myself to (try to) live by.   I offer how’s and why’s in the following article.

In my opinion New Year’s Day is the most important day of the year for which to be completely sober just because of the possibilities and power it holds… but don’t worry you can still participate in this exploration on January 2, if you played too hard last night.

Choosing Your Theme

Resolution comes from the root word ‘resolve,’ which is defined in a number of ways:

To come to a definite or earnest decision about
To determine to do something
To reduce or convert by breaking up or disintegration
To convert or transform by any process
To reduce by mental analysis
To settle, determine, or state formally in a vote or resolution
To deal with (a question, a matter of uncertainty, etc.) conclusively
To clear away or dispel (doubts, fears, etc.).

Some of those sound doable but most seem like they would either hurt or be counter productive to creating something useful.  “To reduce by breaking up or disintegration.”  Yikes.   Let’s find a better way.

New Year’s Day represents the dawning of a new year.  Yesterday’s hurts and disappointments, as well as the things we’ve grown out of, can be forever left behind.  Instead of determining what you will or will not DO in the coming year, I encourage you to determine who you will and will not BE. That is, to set a theme for your year ahead.  You could also call it a motto.   If you must resolve to do something, resolve to stay in touch with who you are becoming as identified by your motto.

Your theme could be centered around finances, career, family, health and/or fitness, spirituality, self-image, centeredness, relationships and more.  The topics are endless.  The idea is to capture the essence of the next step in your evolutionary process.  Your motto or theme should be completely and absolutely unique to you, and call you forth clearly and decisively.

Discovering Your Theme

One of the things that helps me discover my theme is to spend as much time as is necessary journaling about that which I’m (consciously and with purpose) leaving behind, and that which I sense I am stepping into.  It’s an intuitive process.

Thankfully Bid Farewell

In the final scene of “First Knight,” a movie with Richard Gear and Sean Connery, a faction of folks stand on the shoreline watching as the remains of what once was floats out to sea on a raft.  One of the knights then sets fire to it via flaming arrow. (I’m purposely being vague so I don’t spoil the movie if you haven’t seen it).  Those remaining on shore have a ceremony to honor it and bid it farewell, and then turn around into the new life awaiting them.

I think those steps of closure are very sound:

1. Put that which you don’t want, have outgrown, or is no longer useful to you on a figurative raft and set it to sea, or soaring to the sky in a balloon, into a bonfire, or other useful metaphor of release
2. Honor that particular item (relational dynamic/way of being) which you are setting loose by means of words and/or ceremony
3. Give tribute to the ways it has been useful in the past and/or who you are today because of it
4. Bring to remembrance all the ways in which you are genuinely thankful, and bid it farewell
5. Turn around and step into the new life that awaits you.

Once you do this, if you look closely you will begin to see an emerging pattern.  THAT is the essence of your theme.  Out with the old and in with the new.  Then it is just a matter of choosing the wording.

Choose the wording for your theme strategically.  Always word it in the positive in a way that calls you forth. Get quiet and get a sense of what is next for you in you.  Your Highest and True Self already knows. Base your theme in reality.  It is not a wish list.

Here are a few ideas, but PLEASE choose one that is uniquely your own or it will not have meaning for you.

• The year of Financial Strength
• The Vital New Me
• Calm in Every Storm
• Powerfully Persevering
• Curiosity at Every Turn
• Over the Top Playful and Joyous

Your theme becomes the window through which you will view every decision you make and every action you take. Viewing life through that window will cause you to adjust your actions and prioritize your thinking.  Living in view of ‘Financial Strength’ is a lot different than resolving to get out of debt.  A lifestyle created for ‘The Vital New Me’ is a lot more useful and empowering than “I will not eat any more brownies.”   It’s all about chosing those things (including people) which are in alignment with who you are becoming.

After you have chosen your theme spend some time getting in touch with how you will feel and what will be possible for when you are living that way.

• How will you feel about yourself?
• How might people respond to you?
• In what ways will life be different/better/more?

If you’re not sick of writing by now, you might want to spend some time journaling about what you discover.  It’s helpful to have it documented so when July rolls around and you’ve lost touch with all you’ve discovered today, you can come back and read it and be reminded.

Will Marriage Save You From Insecurity?

Just yesterday I was listening to a man who has been a high school teacher for over 20 years.  He says that he now assigns 20% less homework than he did 20 years ago, not because students are less intelligent, but because they are more occupied than ever with finding a suitable boy or girlfriend.

What is it about the drive to be partnered?  I think it is more than sexual gratification.  It seems to be a drive for completeness.  To say to someone, “you complete me” sounds quite romantic and innocent but that belief is rooted in trouble.    I once thought pre-arranged marriages were horrific.  Ugh.  I want to choose my partner, not have dear ole Dad do it!  So you can imagine my shock and dismay when I realized that, even though this entity named Jeannine chose my former spouse, it was not a clear-headed conscious choice.  The choice was driven by  the holes in my soul.  I needed completing alright, but it wasn’t the kind of completing that anyone could do for me.  I needed some insights and definite behavior changes to complete my personal growth journey to authenticity.  My soul (apparently) decided that clashing against, and maneuvering around, my former spouse was  a quick and efficient way of getting me there.  After taking the circuitous route of 30 years of marriage, kids, grandkids, several dogs, fish, rabbits, birds, a lizard and many tears later, I have indeed arrived at a functional state of authenticity.  I am whole enough to complete my evolutionary journey.

Marriage created a mostly safe container within which to evolve, change, grow.  It was certainly safer than being on the street, or partnering with anyone who happened to glance my way…. a direction I could easily have headed…. due to…. well, yes…. those dang holes in my soul again.

A friend sent me a link to an interesting article this morning that started this whole conversation in my head.  It’s titled, “Is Marriage a Remedy for Insecurity?“  An excerpt is below.  Read the rest and tell me what you think…

“We feel the need to make the other commit so we can control them, so we can be sure they will stay by our side and make us feel safe. Often, it is a need to receive the public approval associated with marriage, or to fulfill a childhood fairy-tale fantasy that we have had pushed down our throats. But I don’t wish to make it all appear so bleak. In a marriage between two people who love each other unconditionally, there is no need to tie the other person down or try to control them in any way; unconditional love gives the other the freedom of expression that we all wish for — the freedom to be ourselves.”

 

 

Leadership Styles

I was recently involved in a discussion that asked, “What makes a leader?”  I answered with my simple reply:  a leader is someone who looks behind him/her and sees people following.  Easy.  If no one is following you you’re not a leader.

A better question perhaps is, “What makes a good leader?”  Hmmm.  Good as in the size of the crowd that follows? Good as in the weirdness of the things the crowd will do at the prompting of the leader?  Good as in the impact on the followers?  There are plenty of mass leaders who lead their followers right off a cliff, or into a compound, or sexual bondage.  So then that begs the question, “What makes an ethical leader?”

But by far the best question when considering leadership is, “What makes a leader effective?”  I believe it is awareness.   A conscious leader is aware that he has followers and that he has a definite impact on them. She knows that people are watching, learning, imitating, duplicating, and promoting.  An unconscious leader is aware of none of those things.  The unconscious leader is like a bull in a China shop.

There is a responsibility that comes with being a leader.  Even if he has not chosen it, or she refuses to accept it, she is a leader nonetheless.  If s/he is one, s/he might as well learn to do it well.  Leadership comes in all shapes, sizes and formats.  Leadership principles can be found everywhere.  I recently attended the Genghis Kahn exhibit at the Denver Museum of Science and History.   That man was a leader.  I also recall seeing books on the leadership strategies of Attila the Hun, and leadership principles of Jesus Christ.  Most recently I saw a TED video clip that referenced the leadership styles of orchestra conductors.  I was aware of conductor’s physical expressions:  the waving of arms and tossing of hair and pointing to different sections.  But did not know that facial expressions, body language, and energy essence are utilized just as deliberately.  Utterly fascinating.

Check it out – Lead Like the Great Conductors.

Wowsers.  No sooner did  publish this post than someone sent me this very cool link of leadership definitions: