Just yesterday I was listening to a man who has been a high school teacher for over 20 years. He says that he now assigns 20% less homework than he did 20 years ago, not because students are less intelligent, but because they are more occupied than ever with finding a suitable boy or girlfriend.
What is it about the drive to be partnered? I think it is more than sexual gratification. It seems to be a drive for completeness. To say to someone, “you complete me” sounds quite romantic and innocent but that belief is rooted in trouble. I once thought pre-arranged marriages were horrific. Ugh. I want to choose my partner, not have dear ole Dad do it! So you can imagine my shock and dismay when I realized that, even though this entity named Jeannine chose my former spouse, it was not a clear-headed conscious choice. The choice was driven by the holes in my soul. I needed completing alright, but it wasn’t the kind of completing that anyone could do for me. I needed some insights and definite behavior changes to complete my personal growth journey to authenticity. My soul (apparently) decided that clashing against, and maneuvering around, my former spouse was a quick and efficient way of getting me there. After taking the circuitous route of 30 years of marriage, kids, grandkids, several dogs, fish, rabbits, birds, a lizard and many tears later, I have indeed arrived at a functional state of authenticity. I am whole enough to complete my evolutionary journey.
Marriage created a mostly safe container within which to evolve, change, grow. It was certainly safer than being on the street, or partnering with anyone who happened to glance my way…. a direction I could easily have headed…. due to…. well, yes…. those dang holes in my soul again.
A friend sent me a link to an interesting article this morning that started this whole conversation in my head. It’s titled, “Is Marriage a Remedy for Insecurity?“ An excerpt is below. Read the rest and tell me what you think…
“We feel the need to make the other commit so we can control them, so we can be sure they will stay by our side and make us feel safe. Often, it is a need to receive the public approval associated with marriage, or to fulfill a childhood fairy-tale fantasy that we have had pushed down our throats. But I don’t wish to make it all appear so bleak. In a marriage between two people who love each other unconditionally, there is no need to tie the other person down or try to control them in any way; unconditional love gives the other the freedom of expression that we all wish for — the freedom to be ourselves.”
