As a child I remember how the words, “I’m not going to be your friend anymore!” devastated my little heart. The world may as well have ended. Mine certainly had. Perhaps it is just such events that initiated a lifelong pursuit to understand friendship. I didn’t know for sure what friendship was, only that it hurt really, really bad when it was gone.
Perhaps the reason friendship is so vitally important to us as children is so that we will put in the effort to figure it out by adulthood. Friendship principles are the root and ground of relationship wisdom, as simple as the age-old “Do unto others…” creed. As it applies to marriage, it is the glue that holds a relationship together when schedule and finances and illness and everything else would pull it apart at the seams.
What is it about friendship that gives it this kind of power? Think of a special friendship in your own life. I imagine that in that relationship there are at least some of the following aspects:
- Mutual respect
- Accepting shortcomings
- Honesty and openness
- Gentleness
- Shared time
- Accepting the other’s choices and tastes
- Being available to each other in little and big ways
- Supporting the other’s highest and best self.
In essence good friendship is giving, sometimes sacrificially, to the support and benefit of the other, and expecting little in return…until you’re the one on the receiving end of the same support.
A friendship base is important because it is the lens through which you view the events of your relationship. Viewed through the lens of friendship the spousal confession of, “I am so sorry, I completely forgot to pick up the eggs on my way home from work” is seen as a mere oversight, rather than an affront, which it might be if friendship wasn’t present.
A strong friendship base:
- Is rooted in love and admiration for the other
- Will have you feel optimistic about your relationship and your partner during conflict
- Gives the other the benefit of the doubt
- Keeps you linked together even during long hours apart
- Helps you see each other as innocent, instead of guilty
- Keeps conflicts current rather than letting resentments build
- Makes it easier to glean and incorporate the best of each other’s worlds into the marriage
- Brings curiosity and playfulness to the relationship.
There are many books on the shelves about developing strong friendships. I encourage you to find some you like and practice on your marriage. Even if you didn’t start out with a strong friendship base, it is not too late to begin. It’s the single best thing you can do for your relationship.
